Five 'O' Rings of Death

Every four years the world sends its finest athlete-foot-infected closet homosexuals to whichever country plays host to the Olympics, to participate in the grandest form of masturbatory hyperbole known to modern man. And every four years we find out who our own “ambassadors” are days before the games commence, thus beginning the half-assed analysis by our seemingly palsied, but otherwise capable, broadcasters. Watching Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon discuss archery is like watching my nephew try to choke down grilled asparagus.

The Olympics do provide, however, a plethora of meaningless tidbits for the media outlets to fling into our mouths like popped corn. Did you know that Michael Phelps consumes over 12,000 calories per day? Did you know that divers take a shower after every dive to keep their muscles warm? How about they shed some light on what the hell “Olympic equestrian grand prix dressage” entails? At first glance it sounds like the rapid ornamenting of mares. But let’s face it- it’s much more appealing to watch sailing and rowing than coverage of, let’s say, the Russian-Georgian conflict, right?

Then there’s the obvious, but always shocking reality lurking behind the scenes of such pageantry. The 2 million Chinese evicted and displaced, while their homes were destroyed and replaced by parks to beautify the Capital for a measly two week event. 40,000 of which were later imprisoned for organizing protests. But this is the most grandiose display of the beauty of mankind and tradition, so the games apparently must go on.

We’ve seen how Olympic events act as mere accoutrements to underlying political issues. Tommie Smith and John Carlos come to mind when, in October 1968, they displayed the infamous black power salute. And recently, a group of homely volleyball players took out their aggressions in the sand, their skimpy bikinis symbolic of their nationalistic pride, and after the dust settled Georgia had defeated the Russian aggressors. The Russian team refused to admit loss. Why are these floundering activities lent more meaning than they deserve? “The Putin Puppets destroyed my homeland, but I kicked their ass on the beach in three sets!” Oh, the perseverance of man, the will of the underdog! This has deeper meaning, right?!

The public reared its ugly head in disbelief, despite the commonality of such poor behavior. (For the record, I think good sportsmanship is bullshit for the most part, but that’s another issue. Sometimes it’s advantageous to hit a batter with a 90 mph fast ball. Crowd the plate now, you little bitch!) The Olympic Games have two purposes. One is to promote travel and tourism, the other is so jock countries have a public platform on which to act the bully and the baby. Don’t get me wrong, my sentiments aren’t as deep as I’m making them out to be. My blood isn’t boiling over the thought of the Olympics, but spare me the false importance of retards hurling discs. There’s nothing on the line. Nothing will come of this.